I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
