quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
