regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
