I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
