So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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