So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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