Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize