Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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