so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
