I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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