True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
