Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she told me i tasted like america
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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