It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
