Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize