never play flip cup with pint glasses
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
