One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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