I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
