Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
