I haven't been this sober since birth.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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