I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
