textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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