i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
BRING THE BAGELS
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
