Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
