your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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