I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
