please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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