My girlfriend figured out who you are.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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