How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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