just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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