remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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