Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
