I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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