Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Come on in and take your pants off
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