we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
farters have to be the big spoon...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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