I can tuck mytits in my pants
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
