there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I need to align my fucking chakras
Such a big mess for such a small penis
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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