??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
