no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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