Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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