i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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