Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My vagina is very pro this idea
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
