You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
