I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
