No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
