I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Boobs are out for the taking
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
