im so drunk with asians
where?
always
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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