I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
