be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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