My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize