I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
