my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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