I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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