Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
