What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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