I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
