I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
