So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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