dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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