I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize