this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want to be your penis for a week.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
