god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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