I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
