Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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