I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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