I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
