All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
