the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
