Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
