i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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