i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
And then my night got REAL pukey
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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